i feel so accomplished now that after a mere 37 years of existence that i've finally realized what one of my major coping mechanisms are. going back to the previous post that blended tradition with technology, one of the mechanisms i use to dissipate excess stress energy/entropy is that i become phenominally tired and just want to sleep. i believe it is my mind's way of trying to shut down so that i don't have to deal with the incomming stressors. this then forms the basis of my caffeine cravings.
i think it's funny that the effects of caffeine on my can be so varied that it sometimes seems that i am not injesting the same substance. there are occassions where one half-cup of regular coffee keeps me up all day; and then there are days when i am still so drowsy even after 3 espresso shots, two soy lattes, a soy mocha, and tea. actually, 'funny' isn't the right term. 'irritating-as-shit' comes closer to encapsulating my feelings on the matter.
however, i am fortunate that there is a place relativly close to where i live where i can satisfy my caffeine cravings, fuel cafe.
i was a bit intrigued by the idea of the place, a 'motorcycle and espresso cafe'. after all, i don't have a motorcycle (nor do i see myself having one in the near future), and i have more than a few negative connotations attached to motorcycle riders. but i was so desperate to find a cafe that actually could extract a proper espresso, that i was willing to try it out. (the swill they serve at starbucks is so underextracted that they do everything they can to hide it in a cloak of fat and sugar, and they take no pride in trying to properly foam their milk; utter excrement).
upon entering, i was surprised at the rather mod decor; remarkably swank for this geriatric part of the country. and i was quite surprised to find another asian here in this homogenous town. dex owns the place and was remarkably pleasant to me. being the coffee elitist that i am, i immediately put him to my 'single shot pulled short' espresso test. he did better than i expected; not the best shot i've ever had, but good enough to come back for future reference. and the free wifi is always a nice touch, plus they have regular soy milk (why do all these other "cafes" insist upon using flavored soy milk? is everyone addicted to processed sugar?).
as i started to spend more and more time there, i got to know dex. he definitely makes the place interesting. raised in thailand, did a bit of modeling, became a professional ballet dancer, and then a professional motorcycle racer, and then a cafe owner because he burnt out on dancing (although his wife still is still with a professional ballet company). now, he basically is the heart of the tiny cycle-riding subculture around here. fascinating guy. that's rare to find around here.
there is also a rather odd blend of people that patronize the place. most of them, i don't care too much for, but they leave me alone to work so i don't mind them. they did pretty much smash my stereotypes of a biker though. many of them are just nerds, but nerds for bikes. and, unfortunately, only a scant few are even remotely attractive (easily enumerated by the first few prime numbers); oh well, i go there primarily to read and write anyway.
when i replace my camera, i'll post a few pictures of the place. it's actually quite nice.
so enough about the cafe, i need to learn how to use this knowledge of this particular coping mechanism to my benefit, which will take a lot longer to figure out. oh the burden...
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
morphing tradition with technology
i have to admit that when i first heard of the movie, the secret, i was fairly apathetic. it was while i was still at massage therapy school, and massage therapy school seems to attract more than its fair share of new-agey, pseudo-spiritual, lost kids. i really didn't give it too much thought, as i tended to be a rationalist deeply immersed in western scientific tradition. to paraphrase karl popper (philosopher of science):
a hypothesis, proposition, or theory is scientific only if it is falsifiable.
(see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falsifiability for a succinct explanation. but beware, if you are anything close to the level of geekiness i am, you will spend hours and hours exploring the various facets of the history and philosophy of science, oh, and have your last.fm library playing in the background. you were warned, earth-larvae.)
so i have tended to be fairly left-brain dominant. however, i have also been involved in traditional chinese martial arts and meditation since the early 1990's. many of the explanations and paradigms in taijiquan and qigong don't exactly fall in the parameters of the western scientific method (good luck trying to quantify "chi"). i embody contrasting paradigms that don't always mesh well together, resulting in a fair amount of cognitive dissonance which tends towards a fair amount of "wtf" moments, emotional instability, and general existential angst.
i also operated under the false premise that i knew myself fairly well and i had things under control.
fast forward to approximately 2006. i was in massage therapy school. i was working at a gym as a certified personal trainer. i had become fairly adept at the a.i. stretching modality. i was living with someone who pretty much became the center of my life. then things started to unravel. without going through the details, he decided to leave and never come back. and that's when i realized what a hollow shell of a human being i had become.
during the course of our relationship, i had learned that i have abandonment issues and am rather codependent. and all this time i had though of myself as a fairly independent person. wow. it is amazing how easy it is to lie to yourself and not even realize it. and i've been doing it for years. well, the veneer peeled off, and all the internal desolation was exposed.
i realized that i devoted so much of my energy to this one relationship in my life, that it eclipsed everything else about my life. when it was gone, everything that it hid behind it was exposed, and i realized that i didn't know who i was anymore. i didn't know what i liked to do and what was important. it was a very dark and ugly time for me. my confusion was rampant and suicidal tendencies were waxing. i looked at the other aspects of me that i allowed to atrophy, and was amazed at how insubstantial i felt. i was lost. lost. lost.
it was during the ending of this relationship that i remembered the secret movie, so i borrowed it from a friend and began obsessively watching it. it did ameliorate my emotions to a certain degree. there was one presenter in that movie that stood out to me, and that was bill harris. while i was still trying to wrap my mind around this whole 'law of attraction' concept (admittedly quite difficult as my mental acuity was anything but), he was the only presenter that referred to an online course he offered, as well as indirectly referring to a physical product he made. as i was far too irrational to understand the law of attraction as presented in the movie, i made a point to look bill harris up online. i needed supplemental information. i needed to make my pain go away and i needed it now. it was the best decision i've ever made.
looking up bill harris lead me to his company, centerpointe. and centerpointe has a product line called holosync. it is an audio program that works with binaural beats (see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binaural_beats for an explanation of binaural beats). now i can understand the theory behind the holosync program, but bear in mind that i am NOT a rigorously trained scientist. although i have studied the history and philosophy of science to a considerable degree and i am fairly well-versed on a variety of scientific topics, i am not a published or experienced researcher. so i cannot truly peer review available experimental data and conduct properly documented experiments (one of my shortcomings, i'm afraid to say). i would like to think, however, that i'm at least smarter than the average bear.
well, as i started exploring the centerpointe site, i had a very intuitive feeling that this holosync product was exactly what i was searching for at the time. i couldn't really explain it then, but it really called out to me on a visceral level, and there was enough of a scientific explanation behind the holosync technology that the very logical-dominant side of my brain was satisfied. i bit the bullet and shelled out the funds for the awakening prologue program. they offer a free sample cd on the site, but i knew that i was going to commit to the program anyway. i saw no point n trying to tease myself any more than necessary. i have suffered enough as is.
whatever doubts i may have had in ordering the program were brushed aside when the program arrived. there was so much supplemental information and even a few supplemental programs that i was amazed. on top of that, the support letters that bill harris sent on a periodic basis were remarkable, and he included a book that he wrote, thresholds of the mind, that is amazing. i still re-read that book and learn something new each time. bill harris truly believes in giving you more than you pay for.
the book, thresholds of the mind, begins with a brief history of bill harris and how he came across the ideas that would eventually become holosync. apparently, his life use to be a colossal fucking mess, and he didn't start to get clue until he was 35 (this was a great comfort to me personally, since at this writing i'm 37, and only now am i starting to get a clue). from his book (p.13):
" before i began working with what later became holosync, i spent most of my life very dissatisfied--with myself, with the world, and with other people. everything was a strain, a crisis, a drama. even my successes were unfulfilling because regardless of how good they were, they were never enough. i worried constantly. because i was deathly afraid someone might find out i have needs, i was unwilling to open up and be vulnerable...
...i was often hostile and angry, and i succeeded in driving many good people from my life. anger was the background of all my interactions, including those with myself...
...because i was so unhappy, i was desperate to break that pattern, and went through many years of trying anything and everything that seemed like it might make a difference."
this was my exact story too. even reading his words made me feel less alone. perhaps it is just part of a well-engineered marketing ploy, but it spoke to the deepest parts of me. i felt that i met a kindred spirit.
after this, he begins to speak about the concepts of open systems, entropy dissipation, and the human mind. this is where things start to get really interesting. it seems many self-help and therapy type books are concerned with "freeing" yourself from past hurts, or "purging out" all of your negative shit. bill harris suggests that you raise the threshold of your tolerance higher; increase the size of the vessel so that the considerable shit that had happened to you cannot overwhelm your threshold levels for dealing with your shit. what happened to you has happened to you; you aren't going to change those events. no amount of "purging" is even going to change the fact that you were molested as a kid, or raped, or otherwise severely traumatized. however, if you can raise your threshold for dealing with this "chaos energy"; if your system can organize itself into a higher and more complex system that is better capable of dealing with these inputs, then your shit cannot overwhelm you any longer. you become more capable of dealing with your life without denying any part of your life.
how fucking brilliant is that?!
and that's what the holosync program does. it changes the way your mind is wired on a physiologic level so your mind becomes more integrated and better able to deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. holosync is like weight lifting for the mind. bill harris details a fair amount of the science involved in this book and it truly is a brilliant read.
however, i will say, i didn't really find enough documented scientific studies on holosync and its effects on the mind. but as i'm not a proper scientist anyway, i would not be able to verify these experiments (it's not like i have a lab in my basement; i don't even have a basement). i only know what i believe i've experienced, and it seems to be good enough for me. i figured that a major portion of my life has been devoted to the study of taijiquan, and it's not like i can verify a lot of taijiquan principles scientifically anyway. it does prove to be a torn in my need-to-have-things-falsifiable-in-order-to-be-scientific side, but i guess i'm okay with the cognitive dissonance.
among the supplemental products are two additional holosync track for 1. making change easy and 2. super longevity. the making change easy track has embedded in it a series of affirmations dedicated to facilitating change and its acceptance; after all, how many of us struggle with trying to keep things the same? i admit, this track was initially VERY uncomfortable for me to listen to. i felt i was developing headaches and found it rather unpleasant; i accepted that this resistance i was feeling was an indication of how much i really needed to use this track. as time progressed, it became easier to use.
the super longevity contains affirmations that can affect cortisol and DHEA levels (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortisol and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DHEA to understand what these substances are). in both cases, the brain is artificially brought to and held at a theta brain wave state (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain_waves).
one of the most impressive additional materials bill harris sends along with the initial holosync level is an audio copy of the 2003 spring retreat where he discuses in great detail the holosync technology and a series of philosophic principles to use as guidelines for living peacefully, harmoniously and successfully. he refers to these as the nine principles for conscious living, and he discusses them in great detail, along with audience questions. this audio set is AWESOME; i found myself arguing with a few things he discussed and engaging this material in a very active way. there is also a certain comfort in hearing the voices of other who have also been traveling this path of seeking enlightenment. bill harris himself is a very well-versed and compassionate teacher. i look forward to meeting him in person someday.
anyway, the nine principles he details are (in no particular order):
1. let whatever happens be okay.
2. the concept of threshold.
3. chaos and reorganization.
4. the map is not the territory.
5. responsibility as empowerment.
6. conscious change.
7. witnessing.
8. good and bad generalizations.
9. the neutral universe.
it would take me far too long to detail these concepts in this blog, and i fear i wouldn't do them justice anyway. i'm just not that articulate.
in any case, i have been on the holosync program for a little more than 2 years now. while i can't really point out day to day changes in my thinking, i can definitely see a great deal of progress from the co-dependent, suicidal wreck i was after my relationship ended. would i have progressed this far in my evolution without using holosync? possibly, but i seriously doubt it. as of this writing, i am on awakening level 3. am i still insecure and full of doubt? you bet, but it doesn't last as long as it used to. is there still room for improvement? fuck yeah, and i'm looking forward to continued use of the program all the way to the end (nine more levels to go, which should take a couple of years).
although i can't really quantify my experience with holosync, i can qualify it. i'm feeling better about myself more now. depression and darker thoughts still cross my mind from time to time, but i'm much better at letting this thoughts go and not ruminate on them for weeks or months at a time. but some of those low points can get very intense as my mind releases this energy and reorganizes (to the point where the good points seem fucking cheap and i wonder why i bother).
a hypothesis, proposition, or theory is scientific only if it is falsifiable.
(see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falsifiability for a succinct explanation. but beware, if you are anything close to the level of geekiness i am, you will spend hours and hours exploring the various facets of the history and philosophy of science, oh, and have your last.fm library playing in the background. you were warned, earth-larvae.)
so i have tended to be fairly left-brain dominant. however, i have also been involved in traditional chinese martial arts and meditation since the early 1990's. many of the explanations and paradigms in taijiquan and qigong don't exactly fall in the parameters of the western scientific method (good luck trying to quantify "chi"). i embody contrasting paradigms that don't always mesh well together, resulting in a fair amount of cognitive dissonance which tends towards a fair amount of "wtf" moments, emotional instability, and general existential angst.
i also operated under the false premise that i knew myself fairly well and i had things under control.
fast forward to approximately 2006. i was in massage therapy school. i was working at a gym as a certified personal trainer. i had become fairly adept at the a.i. stretching modality. i was living with someone who pretty much became the center of my life. then things started to unravel. without going through the details, he decided to leave and never come back. and that's when i realized what a hollow shell of a human being i had become.
during the course of our relationship, i had learned that i have abandonment issues and am rather codependent. and all this time i had though of myself as a fairly independent person. wow. it is amazing how easy it is to lie to yourself and not even realize it. and i've been doing it for years. well, the veneer peeled off, and all the internal desolation was exposed.
i realized that i devoted so much of my energy to this one relationship in my life, that it eclipsed everything else about my life. when it was gone, everything that it hid behind it was exposed, and i realized that i didn't know who i was anymore. i didn't know what i liked to do and what was important. it was a very dark and ugly time for me. my confusion was rampant and suicidal tendencies were waxing. i looked at the other aspects of me that i allowed to atrophy, and was amazed at how insubstantial i felt. i was lost. lost. lost.
it was during the ending of this relationship that i remembered the secret movie, so i borrowed it from a friend and began obsessively watching it. it did ameliorate my emotions to a certain degree. there was one presenter in that movie that stood out to me, and that was bill harris. while i was still trying to wrap my mind around this whole 'law of attraction' concept (admittedly quite difficult as my mental acuity was anything but), he was the only presenter that referred to an online course he offered, as well as indirectly referring to a physical product he made. as i was far too irrational to understand the law of attraction as presented in the movie, i made a point to look bill harris up online. i needed supplemental information. i needed to make my pain go away and i needed it now. it was the best decision i've ever made.
looking up bill harris lead me to his company, centerpointe. and centerpointe has a product line called holosync. it is an audio program that works with binaural beats (see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binaural_beats for an explanation of binaural beats). now i can understand the theory behind the holosync program, but bear in mind that i am NOT a rigorously trained scientist. although i have studied the history and philosophy of science to a considerable degree and i am fairly well-versed on a variety of scientific topics, i am not a published or experienced researcher. so i cannot truly peer review available experimental data and conduct properly documented experiments (one of my shortcomings, i'm afraid to say). i would like to think, however, that i'm at least smarter than the average bear.
well, as i started exploring the centerpointe site, i had a very intuitive feeling that this holosync product was exactly what i was searching for at the time. i couldn't really explain it then, but it really called out to me on a visceral level, and there was enough of a scientific explanation behind the holosync technology that the very logical-dominant side of my brain was satisfied. i bit the bullet and shelled out the funds for the awakening prologue program. they offer a free sample cd on the site, but i knew that i was going to commit to the program anyway. i saw no point n trying to tease myself any more than necessary. i have suffered enough as is.
whatever doubts i may have had in ordering the program were brushed aside when the program arrived. there was so much supplemental information and even a few supplemental programs that i was amazed. on top of that, the support letters that bill harris sent on a periodic basis were remarkable, and he included a book that he wrote, thresholds of the mind, that is amazing. i still re-read that book and learn something new each time. bill harris truly believes in giving you more than you pay for.
the book, thresholds of the mind, begins with a brief history of bill harris and how he came across the ideas that would eventually become holosync. apparently, his life use to be a colossal fucking mess, and he didn't start to get clue until he was 35 (this was a great comfort to me personally, since at this writing i'm 37, and only now am i starting to get a clue). from his book (p.13):
" before i began working with what later became holosync, i spent most of my life very dissatisfied--with myself, with the world, and with other people. everything was a strain, a crisis, a drama. even my successes were unfulfilling because regardless of how good they were, they were never enough. i worried constantly. because i was deathly afraid someone might find out i have needs, i was unwilling to open up and be vulnerable...
...i was often hostile and angry, and i succeeded in driving many good people from my life. anger was the background of all my interactions, including those with myself...
...because i was so unhappy, i was desperate to break that pattern, and went through many years of trying anything and everything that seemed like it might make a difference."
this was my exact story too. even reading his words made me feel less alone. perhaps it is just part of a well-engineered marketing ploy, but it spoke to the deepest parts of me. i felt that i met a kindred spirit.
after this, he begins to speak about the concepts of open systems, entropy dissipation, and the human mind. this is where things start to get really interesting. it seems many self-help and therapy type books are concerned with "freeing" yourself from past hurts, or "purging out" all of your negative shit. bill harris suggests that you raise the threshold of your tolerance higher; increase the size of the vessel so that the considerable shit that had happened to you cannot overwhelm your threshold levels for dealing with your shit. what happened to you has happened to you; you aren't going to change those events. no amount of "purging" is even going to change the fact that you were molested as a kid, or raped, or otherwise severely traumatized. however, if you can raise your threshold for dealing with this "chaos energy"; if your system can organize itself into a higher and more complex system that is better capable of dealing with these inputs, then your shit cannot overwhelm you any longer. you become more capable of dealing with your life without denying any part of your life.
how fucking brilliant is that?!
and that's what the holosync program does. it changes the way your mind is wired on a physiologic level so your mind becomes more integrated and better able to deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. holosync is like weight lifting for the mind. bill harris details a fair amount of the science involved in this book and it truly is a brilliant read.
however, i will say, i didn't really find enough documented scientific studies on holosync and its effects on the mind. but as i'm not a proper scientist anyway, i would not be able to verify these experiments (it's not like i have a lab in my basement; i don't even have a basement). i only know what i believe i've experienced, and it seems to be good enough for me. i figured that a major portion of my life has been devoted to the study of taijiquan, and it's not like i can verify a lot of taijiquan principles scientifically anyway. it does prove to be a torn in my need-to-have-things-falsifiable-in-order-to-be-scientific side, but i guess i'm okay with the cognitive dissonance.
among the supplemental products are two additional holosync track for 1. making change easy and 2. super longevity. the making change easy track has embedded in it a series of affirmations dedicated to facilitating change and its acceptance; after all, how many of us struggle with trying to keep things the same? i admit, this track was initially VERY uncomfortable for me to listen to. i felt i was developing headaches and found it rather unpleasant; i accepted that this resistance i was feeling was an indication of how much i really needed to use this track. as time progressed, it became easier to use.
the super longevity contains affirmations that can affect cortisol and DHEA levels (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortisol and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DHEA to understand what these substances are). in both cases, the brain is artificially brought to and held at a theta brain wave state (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain_waves).
one of the most impressive additional materials bill harris sends along with the initial holosync level is an audio copy of the 2003 spring retreat where he discuses in great detail the holosync technology and a series of philosophic principles to use as guidelines for living peacefully, harmoniously and successfully. he refers to these as the nine principles for conscious living, and he discusses them in great detail, along with audience questions. this audio set is AWESOME; i found myself arguing with a few things he discussed and engaging this material in a very active way. there is also a certain comfort in hearing the voices of other who have also been traveling this path of seeking enlightenment. bill harris himself is a very well-versed and compassionate teacher. i look forward to meeting him in person someday.
anyway, the nine principles he details are (in no particular order):
1. let whatever happens be okay.
2. the concept of threshold.
3. chaos and reorganization.
4. the map is not the territory.
5. responsibility as empowerment.
6. conscious change.
7. witnessing.
8. good and bad generalizations.
9. the neutral universe.
it would take me far too long to detail these concepts in this blog, and i fear i wouldn't do them justice anyway. i'm just not that articulate.
in any case, i have been on the holosync program for a little more than 2 years now. while i can't really point out day to day changes in my thinking, i can definitely see a great deal of progress from the co-dependent, suicidal wreck i was after my relationship ended. would i have progressed this far in my evolution without using holosync? possibly, but i seriously doubt it. as of this writing, i am on awakening level 3. am i still insecure and full of doubt? you bet, but it doesn't last as long as it used to. is there still room for improvement? fuck yeah, and i'm looking forward to continued use of the program all the way to the end (nine more levels to go, which should take a couple of years).
although i can't really quantify my experience with holosync, i can qualify it. i'm feeling better about myself more now. depression and darker thoughts still cross my mind from time to time, but i'm much better at letting this thoughts go and not ruminate on them for weeks or months at a time. but some of those low points can get very intense as my mind releases this energy and reorganizes (to the point where the good points seem fucking cheap and i wonder why i bother).
i have also started to combine my taijiquan and qigong practice along with my holosync usage. this is my personal spin on the idea of morphing tradition with technology. i am very proud to have been learning a traditional chen-style taiji curriculum from my most recent teacher (i'll devote an entry or ten to my taiji practice later), and i began this experiment of combining holosync with my practice a few months ago. i personally think it's a good idea, but obviously i'm biased. it is my intention to see how each of these methods compliment and enhance each other for greater progress in both areas. if there are any martial arts out there who are reading this and want to try something similar, please let me know what your experiences are. here is a direct link to centerpointe so you can find out more and order for yourself, because i could write until my hands fall off and you still wouldn't be any closer to what using holosync would be like, so check it out HERE.
thanks for reading this far. if you choose to participate in the holosync program, please feel free to share your experiences with me. i enjoy speaking to fellow seekers. cheers.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
sometimes i wonder
i was really struggling with the idea of being as candid as i am on this blog. i am currently freely writing about the less-than-stellar aspects of my thoughts and personality. do i really want to risk exposing the absolutely shitty sides of my identity to the world? won't this make people even less inclined to want to get to know me? won't this just repel otherwise well-adapted human beings? won't that be counterproductive to my aims? particularly when i am at one of the lowest points in my life right now?
then i realized, i don't think people are really reading this anyway; at least, not now. but then i realized that i'm writing for me, actually. and if anyone wanted to really get to know me, they'd learn about these aspects of me in due time anyway; although it could be reasonably argued that with prolonged exposure to the beautiful mess that i am, people will be more inclined to be forgiving of my shortcommings, and more inclined to see me as i continue my evolution into whatever i am becomming. besides, what a phenominal true story this will all turn out to be when i make it past this darkness and achieve my portable empire ("i remember when i ate cold soup out of the can because i had no way to heat the soup, and it was all i had to eat for the day., that and several pints of tea made out of the same two teabags...").
then i realized, i don't think people are really reading this anyway; at least, not now. but then i realized that i'm writing for me, actually. and if anyone wanted to really get to know me, they'd learn about these aspects of me in due time anyway; although it could be reasonably argued that with prolonged exposure to the beautiful mess that i am, people will be more inclined to be forgiving of my shortcommings, and more inclined to see me as i continue my evolution into whatever i am becomming. besides, what a phenominal true story this will all turn out to be when i make it past this darkness and achieve my portable empire ("i remember when i ate cold soup out of the can because i had no way to heat the soup, and it was all i had to eat for the day., that and several pints of tea made out of the same two teabags...").
i came across a very relevant quote from marilyn monroe:
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best."
from: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/quotes-by-marilyn-monroe.html
i feel vindicated and justified. i guess it's part of what all makes us human. it just seems odd that there are some people that are more human than others. whenever i start to doubt myself, i'll just meditate on these words. it's amazing where i not-so-randomly find teachers that teach me what i need at the time. the universe is truly abundant. thank you.
Monday, March 2, 2009
i cannot say enough good things about last.fm
i just love this site www.last.fm . i always have it playing in the background as i work on the computer, and some of the artists i have discovered from this site just boggles my mind. ah music, i would be so much more lonely and wretched without thee. liturature is great, but music can touch parts of the soul that writen script cannot. thank you. thank you. thank you.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
occam's razor
i've found two sites that i have been visiting quite frequently (almost as frequently as i visit last.fm), and i just can't get enough of them. the first of them is http://www.onesentence.org/ and i think it is brilliant.the best way to describe it is buy using its own words:
"One Sentence is an experiment in brevity. Most of the best stories that we tell from our lives have one really, really good part that make the rest of the boring story worth it.
This is about that one line.
This is about telling the most interesting or poignant story possible in the least amount of words.
This is about small bite-sized pieces of extraordinary lives and ordinary lives alike... the happy, the sad, the funny, the depressing."
they keep quite an extensive archive (all the way back to may of 2006) and some of these sentences are simply phenomenal. i am amazed at how a few well-crafted words can carry such an amazingly strong, elemental feeling to them. some have made me laugh until i nearly soiled myself, some have made me cry because i knew the feeling expressed more intimately than i would have thought, but all of them brought me comfort and appreciation that there are still those among us that can effectively use the english language with a sense of poetry and not as just a means of communication. some of my favorites are:
Suspicious
Lesson Learned: "Open Relationship" = "I'm already seeing someone else."
tags: love cheating bullshit [add]
2009-02-17
how fucking true is that?! i laughed until i remembered my own experience with it, and then, well... i didn't laugh so much anymore.
Fly
The day I moved out of my apartment was the day I discovered the bathroom mirror was actually the door to a medicine cabinet.
tags: humor moving that would have been handy [add]
2009-02-04
i've done this too, and on more than one occasion. i'm glad i'm not the only one that's done this. i laughed when i read it and felt a camaraderie with whomever wrote this.
(katie)
The worst part about the rape is the way it's made the rest of my life about that one night.
tags: sadness regret anger rape [add]
2009-02-02
my heart sank when i read this, and i felt such an overwhelming sense of compassion for this person whom i will never know. my mind traveled up and down the possible timestream of her life, witnessing her days from then on linked to that one night. i hope she develops the strength to move past her suffering and evolve further because of it. this one sentence carries with it so much more emotion than if she wrote about it in greater detail.
I shake my head & smile
You know your adult son is home visiting when you find an empty beer can in your shower.
tags: humor visiting beer adult son mother [add]
2009-01-30
this was just damn funny, and that one sentence just developed this entire character study of this kid in my mind. i started to imagine him like a slightly older version of ferris bueller.
Nate
It took the internet to find out about my uncle's successful career in porn.
tags: porn uncle internet [add]
2009-01-29
i just wondered if the uncle was hot, and nate too, for that matter.
Sorcha
When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.
tags: humor breastfeeding staring coffee [add]
2009-01-28
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!
FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!
KPL
When my Chinese host family told me, "no rice until you finish your beer," I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
tags: China rice beer [add]
2009-01-28
there isn't anything i could say that could make this sentence any clearer.
Tim
Before I had a three year old child, I never imagined I'd discuss whether turtles have eyebrows.
tags: humor parenthood turtles [add]
2009-01-28
i really wish i was a part of that conversation. the way kids' minds work are just facinating. how do they come up with these questions?...and when did i apparently lose my ability to see the world like that? i don't think i would be so jaded if i could. i guess i've found myself a new hero in this anonymous three-year old master.
My only regret.
One of my best friends in high school killed himself after the only girl he ever asked out turned him down at the risk of being less popular, which is a shame because he would have been the best first boyfriend I ever had.
tags: regrets sucide sad boyfriends love best friends high school nerd popularity first love 2009-01-05
i related to the boy and this brought back a whole flood of memories that i didn't realize i had, but i'm still alive. my heart went out to the girl, who now seems to have seen the tremendous error she made. but, such a high cost. this entry then triggered a retrospection of things i regret in my life. i've been inundated with the phrase'"no regrets" just as much as anyone, but i've never been like that. i've regretted so many things in my life, but as i look back on some of these painful memories, i find that they aren't as painful anymore.
don't get me wrong, these memories are still intense, but in a more neutral way. i suppose the best way to differentiate is to say that, although these memories are painful, i do not suffer over them as much. pain may not be an option, but the added burden of suffering is. may whoever contributed this entry learn that difference and become stronger and more compassionate from it.
"Dear Old Love" is short notes to people we've loved (or at least liked). Requited or unrequited.
The ex-husband in Grace Paley's short story "Wants" says to his ex-wife, "I attribute the dissolution of our marriage to the fact that you never invited the Bertrams to dinner." If you're bitter, that's the way to express it here.
Please email pithy, specific "Dear Old Love" notes to dearoldlove(at)gmail.com. Posted submissions will be anonymous, and all submissions will be held in confidence. I would never sell or give away your email. (I wouldn't even know how.) If privacy is a concern, use an account with a pseudonym."
and i'm thinking of you matthew, wherever you are, you hot jerk.
A More Civilized Age
It both cheers and saddens me to think that glow-in-the-dark condoms plus lightsaber sound effects comprised the high point of our relationship.
Nov 5 2008
Permalink
this one is just funny to visualize. ah, star wars geeks, gotta love 'em.
Fun Scale
Being with you was fun, but fantasizing about you is funner.
Nov 9 2008
Permalink
"One Sentence is an experiment in brevity. Most of the best stories that we tell from our lives have one really, really good part that make the rest of the boring story worth it.
This is about that one line.
This is about telling the most interesting or poignant story possible in the least amount of words.
This is about small bite-sized pieces of extraordinary lives and ordinary lives alike... the happy, the sad, the funny, the depressing."
they keep quite an extensive archive (all the way back to may of 2006) and some of these sentences are simply phenomenal. i am amazed at how a few well-crafted words can carry such an amazingly strong, elemental feeling to them. some have made me laugh until i nearly soiled myself, some have made me cry because i knew the feeling expressed more intimately than i would have thought, but all of them brought me comfort and appreciation that there are still those among us that can effectively use the english language with a sense of poetry and not as just a means of communication. some of my favorites are:
Suspicious
Lesson Learned: "Open Relationship" = "I'm already seeing someone else."
tags: love cheating bullshit [add]
2009-02-17
how fucking true is that?! i laughed until i remembered my own experience with it, and then, well... i didn't laugh so much anymore.
Fly
The day I moved out of my apartment was the day I discovered the bathroom mirror was actually the door to a medicine cabinet.
tags: humor moving that would have been handy [add]
2009-02-04
i've done this too, and on more than one occasion. i'm glad i'm not the only one that's done this. i laughed when i read it and felt a camaraderie with whomever wrote this.
(katie)
The worst part about the rape is the way it's made the rest of my life about that one night.
tags: sadness regret anger rape [add]
2009-02-02
my heart sank when i read this, and i felt such an overwhelming sense of compassion for this person whom i will never know. my mind traveled up and down the possible timestream of her life, witnessing her days from then on linked to that one night. i hope she develops the strength to move past her suffering and evolve further because of it. this one sentence carries with it so much more emotion than if she wrote about it in greater detail.
I shake my head & smile
You know your adult son is home visiting when you find an empty beer can in your shower.
tags: humor visiting beer adult son mother [add]
2009-01-30
this was just damn funny, and that one sentence just developed this entire character study of this kid in my mind. i started to imagine him like a slightly older version of ferris bueller.
Nate
It took the internet to find out about my uncle's successful career in porn.
tags: porn uncle internet [add]
2009-01-29
i just wondered if the uncle was hot, and nate too, for that matter.
Sorcha
When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.
tags: humor breastfeeding staring coffee [add]
2009-01-28
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!
FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!
KPL
When my Chinese host family told me, "no rice until you finish your beer," I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
tags: China rice beer [add]
2009-01-28
there isn't anything i could say that could make this sentence any clearer.
Tim
Before I had a three year old child, I never imagined I'd discuss whether turtles have eyebrows.
tags: humor parenthood turtles [add]
2009-01-28
i really wish i was a part of that conversation. the way kids' minds work are just facinating. how do they come up with these questions?...and when did i apparently lose my ability to see the world like that? i don't think i would be so jaded if i could. i guess i've found myself a new hero in this anonymous three-year old master.
My only regret.
One of my best friends in high school killed himself after the only girl he ever asked out turned him down at the risk of being less popular, which is a shame because he would have been the best first boyfriend I ever had.
tags: regrets sucide sad boyfriends love best friends high school nerd popularity first love 2009-01-05
i related to the boy and this brought back a whole flood of memories that i didn't realize i had, but i'm still alive. my heart went out to the girl, who now seems to have seen the tremendous error she made. but, such a high cost. this entry then triggered a retrospection of things i regret in my life. i've been inundated with the phrase'"no regrets" just as much as anyone, but i've never been like that. i've regretted so many things in my life, but as i look back on some of these painful memories, i find that they aren't as painful anymore.
don't get me wrong, these memories are still intense, but in a more neutral way. i suppose the best way to differentiate is to say that, although these memories are painful, i do not suffer over them as much. pain may not be an option, but the added burden of suffering is. may whoever contributed this entry learn that difference and become stronger and more compassionate from it.
Tenth
Three were raped, one abused, one is forever unsatisfied with who she is, two, maybe three are cutters, one truly believes she's a slut by nature, one is seventeen with the mind of a ten year old, one is an orphan, one is as mental as I am, and I wouldn't trade any of them for all the perfect friends in the world.
tags: friends sympathy affection friendship [add]
2008-10-13
yup. seems to have described most of the mutant misfits that were my beloved friends too. i miss those people. the people i live amongst now are so.... normal. agh! now i'm sad.
i could go on and on with the site, but you really should check it out for yourself. it will quickly find its way onto your bookmarked list. i can't help but check this site daily, and i'm a bit envious with the wordcrafting skill of some of the site's contributors.
...but wait! there's more......
the second site i adore even more than one sentence has to be http://www.dearoldlove.tumblr.com/ because, being a bit more focused in the area of love/hate, it elicits a very strong response in me. again, in the site's own words:
"Dear Old Love" is short notes to people we've loved (or at least liked). Requited or unrequited.
The ex-husband in Grace Paley's short story "Wants" says to his ex-wife, "I attribute the dissolution of our marriage to the fact that you never invited the Bertrams to dinner." If you're bitter, that's the way to express it here.
Please email pithy, specific "Dear Old Love" notes to dearoldlove(at)gmail.com. Posted submissions will be anonymous, and all submissions will be held in confidence. I would never sell or give away your email. (I wouldn't even know how.) If privacy is a concern, use an account with a pseudonym."
and thus begins one of the best ongoing art collaborations i have ever encountered.
this site isn't as old as onesentence.org, but it hasn't diminished its potency. their archieves only go back to september 2008, but there are contributions that hit home a bit too hard for me personally. there are several contributions i wish i wrote, because it's certainly what i've felt before.
here's a sample of some of the brilliance. wear sunglasses.
Dress Code
You taught me: if he dresses like a douchebag, he’s probably a douchebag.
Oct 17 2008
Permalink
this seems to just be a universal axiom. of course, some of them can be trained, but then i've found you end up with just a well-dressed douchebag.
Spoils
I am still furious you got all the good friends in the breakup.
Oct 21 2008
Permalink
isn't THAT true....
Rest in Peace
I always preferred your pillow. Now that it’s mine I don’t like it so much.
Oct 22 2008
Permalink
there are just some things that don't need commentary.
Stung
I can’t believe you’re becoming the type of guy who stays cute. Couldn’t you have followed Robert Redford instead of Paul Newman—more Sundance, less kid?
Oct 22 2008
Permalink
and i'm thinking of you matthew, wherever you are, you hot jerk.
A More Civilized Age
It both cheers and saddens me to think that glow-in-the-dark condoms plus lightsaber sound effects comprised the high point of our relationship.
Nov 5 2008
Permalink
this one is just funny to visualize. ah, star wars geeks, gotta love 'em.
Fun Scale
Being with you was fun, but fantasizing about you is funner.
Nov 9 2008
Permalink
i've even had the experience of fantasizing about someone as we were having sex together. how screwed up is that?
anyway, there are several others worth looking at. there really is no sense to just publish my favorites when the experience of seeing the site is so much better. you should really check it out.
so what is the point of it all? i thought about it and realized that the primary reason why i am so drawn to these sites is the same reason why i read as much as i do, to know that i am not alone. i was amazed at how some of the contributors to these sites encapsulated so much of what i have been feeling for so long that just knowing someone else also has felt this way makes my experience more bearable. it establishes an anchor into a greater collective humanity, and it lets me know that i'm doing okay, even if i don't think so.
thanks for reading this far. cheers.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
i am so silly
i am really craving oreo cookies right now. i rarely crave sweets, and usually only if they are fruit-based. i've only picked up this sweet tooth habit because i spend a LOT of time with my friend and her kids. DAMMIT KELLY KAYE!! YOU AND YOUR SPAWN DID THIS TO ME!!!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
as the system falls apart...
when i woke up this morning, i realized that i was still unemployed, i was still in debt (and still free falling), i had even LESS money in my pocket (about $12) than the day before, and almost no gas. it was starting to become one of those "should i eat or get gas" kind of days. yet in spite all of that, i was pretty happy and peaceful, for absolutely no rational reason. it's becoming easier and easier for me to observe my thoughts and feelings without 'being' my thoughts and feelings. i can see now how reaching that level of stillness is the most powerful place to be.
i'm still reading and re-reading these same sets of books in an effort to change my thinking. i'm still using the holosync recordings faithfully every night. and i'm still wondering if i'm ever going to reach that point where everything becomes okay and my stress and anxiety just stop. but i guess this is all working, because in spite of my current circumstances, i'm surprisingly happy today.
i have a feeling that this 'great and sudden change' that i have been so yearning for, is slowly and inevitably occuring. bill harris (the developer of holosync) has often said, "that which does not serve, will fall away." this is making more and more sense to me as time goes on, but not on just the superficial intellectual level; this is actually making sense on a more intuitive, visceral level. i'm actually believing it now, and it's damn exciting. i can't wait to see how i'll be when i grow up.
i'm still reading and re-reading these same sets of books in an effort to change my thinking. i'm still using the holosync recordings faithfully every night. and i'm still wondering if i'm ever going to reach that point where everything becomes okay and my stress and anxiety just stop. but i guess this is all working, because in spite of my current circumstances, i'm surprisingly happy today.
i have a feeling that this 'great and sudden change' that i have been so yearning for, is slowly and inevitably occuring. bill harris (the developer of holosync) has often said, "that which does not serve, will fall away." this is making more and more sense to me as time goes on, but not on just the superficial intellectual level; this is actually making sense on a more intuitive, visceral level. i'm actually believing it now, and it's damn exciting. i can't wait to see how i'll be when i grow up.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
it's really quite odd
well, let's take a quick survey of where i am in my life right now. i am unemployed. i have about 20 dollars to my name (unless you count the debt, in which case i am about 7,000.00 in the hole and free falling). i have managed to squeek by on peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and eating at a friend's house. i have come to believe that i must have a form of ocd, with chronic depression thrown in for good measure. my current mood swing is heading towards the darker sides of emotion.
yet in spite of all of this shit and the increasing stronger suicidal thoughts, i still honestly believe this will be the best year of my life. maybe i'm delusional; but if given the choice, i'd rather be delusional and happy than delusional and sad. if we truly are making up our realities in our heads, then i'm going to entertain only those thoughts that empower me. thank you joe vitale, pat o'bryan, t harv eker, james ray, and bill harris. we'll see what happens next.
it's really quite odd. even though i know the long term is set for great things, it's the short term storm i can't see past right now. but when i make it through this, then nothing can stop me. in a strange way, thinking i have ocd and depression enables me to better take a step back and say, "these thoughts and emotions aren't me. it's just what the ocd and depression bring on. so just watch them, and don't get attached to them."
oh yeah, i need to blog about the single most important thing i've done to help pull myself out of my pervasive depression: the holosync program by bill harris, assuming of course i don't get attached to what i'm thinking and feeling and don't try to kill myself. i've always been too afraid to do it properly though, and will probably stay that way.
yet in spite of all of this shit and the increasing stronger suicidal thoughts, i still honestly believe this will be the best year of my life. maybe i'm delusional; but if given the choice, i'd rather be delusional and happy than delusional and sad. if we truly are making up our realities in our heads, then i'm going to entertain only those thoughts that empower me. thank you joe vitale, pat o'bryan, t harv eker, james ray, and bill harris. we'll see what happens next.
it's really quite odd. even though i know the long term is set for great things, it's the short term storm i can't see past right now. but when i make it through this, then nothing can stop me. in a strange way, thinking i have ocd and depression enables me to better take a step back and say, "these thoughts and emotions aren't me. it's just what the ocd and depression bring on. so just watch them, and don't get attached to them."
oh yeah, i need to blog about the single most important thing i've done to help pull myself out of my pervasive depression: the holosync program by bill harris, assuming of course i don't get attached to what i'm thinking and feeling and don't try to kill myself. i've always been too afraid to do it properly though, and will probably stay that way.
Monday, January 19, 2009
it is going to be a beautiful year
it is really challenging to change habitual ways of thinking. sometimes, all i want to do i just give up on all of it, but i guess that's part of the "habitual ways of thinking" i need to change. oh the paradox...
i know long-term, it will be a beautiful year. right now, it seems to be just getting darker and darker.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
always a new challenge to keep me growing
i haven't posted anything on here in a very long time. i've lost ready access to a computer and the internet. still, there is a great deal that i can still accomplish without the laptop. i've been refining my new year's rsolutions; especially since i now have a clue (a very small clue, but a clue regardless).
for the past several months, i have been reading and re-reading a particular set of books in an effort to change my habitual thinking and my habitual actions (or really, lack thereof). my first major paridigm shift occured when i was randomly wandering in a bookseller store and i came across the 4-hour work week, by tim ferris. the most important concept i learned from that book was the inherent limitations of the per-hour work model. even if i were to make hundreds of dollars an hour(fat fucking chance, based on my current circumstances), there are only so many hours in a day i could work. my income in this model is contingent on my ability to work in a 1:1 ratio. one hour of work for one hour of pay. no work = no pay. this has been my entire life so far. and on top of that, it has always been for someone else, usually for someone i really didn't like, but i needed the job.
i found myself confused with many things tim had to say, because it NEVER occurred to me to think any other way. i also found myself a bit excited at the possibility of emulating his success. but it seemed that many of the ideas he proposed required a bit more start up capital than i had (i had been making less than 1000.00 per month) and, coupled with my chronic insecurities and self-doubts, lead me to a bit of frustration. i did find myself determined to break out of my current mindset and circumstances. tim's ideas are great for a few long-term projects i had developed in my mind, but didn't really have the means to implement at the time. no, i needed something that was simpler and cheaper to start.
i must have been able to at least get clear on this intension because a few weeks later, during one of my not-so-random trips to the bookstore, i was wandering the business sections (after i spent a great deal of time in the sci-fi/fantasy and manga sections of course) and a particular book caught my eye: your portable empire, by pat o'bryan. wow. this was EXACTLY what i was looking for. in tim's four-hour work week, he stated that information products allow for a considerable mark-up and are relatively easy to produce, but he didn't get into too much depth with the idea. in pat o'bryan's, your portable empire, it becomes the central theme. his particular philosophy of "turning problems into products" should be something i can readily understand since i seem to have SO MANY of them. but for right now, i can't understand it.
because of pat's very humble beginnings, and his particular voice in his writing, i felt that i had met a kindred spirit, or a least a spirit i could relate to fairly well. he lays out a very simple step-by-step method (of course it is so simple that i find it difficult because i SO OVERTHINK EVERYTHING) for building your own portable empire. it was this book that motivated me to start this blog really. what this blog really will turn out to be is the direct manifestation of my learning curve, so i'm going to expect some pretty grand screw-ups. i seem to be pretty good at screwing up things, but there is no failure, "it's all data" (thank you pat).
i also love the fact that even though he is quite materially successful, his politics lean left. yet another characteristic of why he has rapidly become my hero. reading his work has then lead me to a few more authors. the foremost being dr. joe vitale and his book, the attractor factor, which pat o'bryan directly alludes to in his book.
i had first been exposed to joe vitale from his role in the movie, the secret. the secret (or at least the version i saw before they apparently changed it) helped me deal with a difficult incident in my life because it helped to shift my perspective of my life. i primarily had noticed bill harris and his work throught the centerpointe institute (which i will extensively blog about in another post), secondly i noticed joe vitale because he reminded me of danny devito (it is meant to be a compliment by the way), finally i noticed james ray.
i got a hold of a copy of the attractor factor and started reading it extensively. it directly clashed with much of my habitual thinking. in fact, i still find myself struggling with the information, but as what i have been doing so far in my life has not helped me much, i have committed to following through with the book. the basic idea of focusing on what i want, and not what i don't want, has been challenging to me because i've realized that i've been a severely negative human being for the past several years and i've become EXCELLENT at focusing on what i don't want. it never occurred to me to do otherwise. i'm still trying to internalize his teachings through repetition. i do believe in joe vitale though, because he was once worse than i am at a time in his life. he was homeless (although i am getting pretty fucking close), jobless, lost. i never would have guessed it; he is so evolved and successful now.
pat o'bryan's book also lead me to a book by t harv eker called, secrets of the millionaire mind. the most important idea i learned from this excellent book was on page 2 where he states,
" it all comes down to this: if your subconscious "financial blueprint" is not "set" for success, nothing you learn, nothing you know, and nothing you do will make much of a difference."
reading this shocked me. in that moment i realized that in spite of some rather unique skills i have developed over the years, i was still set for failure. it pretty much encapsulates most of my life. he elaborates on pages 6-7 where he states,
"that's when it became obvious that you can have the greatest "tools" in the world, but if you've got a tiny leak in your "toolbox" (i'm pointing to me head right now), you've got a problem."
holy shit did i have a problem. i am also drawn to t harv eker's work because although he alludes to the 'law of attraction', he doesn't approach it with very much new-agey attitude that quite frankly, puts me off just a bit. he also had started from very humble beginnings that he talks about in the early part of his book. this 'street cred', makes it easier for me to believe i can do this too. he speaks a great deal of the psychological aspects of money, and believes in making a series of declarations that he gives you out loud to counter disempowering mental programming. i have been trying to do these on a daily basis ever since.
james ray was also in the secret, and i came across his book, harmonic wealth, in the bookstore a while ago. although he speaks to many of the same ideas as the others, his particular voice in his writing attracted me. his underlying concept of harmonic wealth, the five pillars that need to be in dynamic equilibrium, serve as the overall paradigm for how i am attempting to structure my life. he won me over when he stated on page 14,
"don't wish for an easier life-that's illusion. wish for greater capability and capacity to ease elegantly through life."
yet another perspective that i had not considered. in fact, i had always been longing for an easier life. now i can see that that perspective is rooted in fear and scarcity, but habitual ways of thinking are difficult to change.
there is so much more i can say about these teachers, but i'm still attempting to assimilate their lessons. and i still haven't talked about bill harris yet. his work is AMAZING, but that wll have to wait for another post.
wow. i had been stuck in the box for so long that i had forgotten i was in a box. and now, i fear i have analysis paralysis. always a new challenge to keep me going.
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