sometimes i wonder

i was really struggling with the idea of being as candid as i am on this blog. i am currently freely writing about the less-than-stellar aspects of my thoughts and personality. do i really want to risk exposing the absolutely shitty sides of my identity to the world? won't this make people even less inclined to want to get to know me? won't this just repel otherwise well-adapted human beings? won't that be counterproductive to my aims? particularly when i am at one of the lowest points in my life right now?



then i realized, i don't think people are really reading this anyway; at least, not now. but then i realized that i'm writing for me, actually. and if anyone wanted to really get to know me, they'd learn about these aspects of me in due time anyway; although it could be reasonably argued that with prolonged exposure to the beautiful mess that i am, people will be more inclined to be forgiving of my shortcommings, and more inclined to see me as i continue my evolution into whatever i am becomming. besides, what a phenominal true story this will all turn out to be when i make it past this darkness and achieve my portable empire ("i remember when i ate cold soup out of the can because i had no way to heat the soup, and it was all i had to eat for the day., that and several pints of tea made out of the same two teabags...").

i came across a very relevant quote from marilyn monroe:

"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best."

from: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/quotes-by-marilyn-monroe.html

i feel vindicated and justified. i guess it's part of what all makes us human. it just seems odd that there are some people that are more human than others. whenever i start to doubt myself, i'll just meditate on these words. it's amazing where i not-so-randomly find teachers that teach me what i need at the time. the universe is truly abundant. thank you.